In My Darkest Hour, by Dave Mustaine
Succinct, relatable, and at times unnerving memoir from Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine about his life, with a focus on his 2019 throat cancer diagnosis and treatment
Dave Mustaine’s newest book, In My Darkest Hour, isn’t the first “cancer memoir” I’ve read (Between Two Kingdoms, by Suleika Jaouad, is one I’ve gone back to more than once), but it is the one that has made me squirm the most. In fact, after the first chapter I had to decide if I wanted to continue with this book, which was just published yesterday. I realized that the similarities in certain of our experiences might be bringing up too many unpleasant memories.
As I’ve talked about, it wasn’t that long ago that I was confronted with a long-ass needle being put into my neck to try to extract a sample from a lymph node in my neck. And just like Mustaine says in the opening pages of his book (named after a 1988 Megadeth song), it was “intensely painful and traumatic.” Unlike Mustaine, I didn’t have a bunch of residents trying repeatedly to get the samples, just a lot of them observing. I was treated to that fun years ago when a gaggle of young doctors marched past me to look up my hoo-ha before I had surgery for cervical cancer. As he says, they have to learn somehow, “but, damn, I would’ve preferred not to be one of those patients.” It makes me laugh…now.
Ultimately Uplifting
I persevered, though, and am glad I did, because the book is interesting and ultimately uplifting. And it’s not only about his cancer diagnosis. He, with writer Joe Layden’s help, successfully weaves in wide-ranging stories from the childhood he describes as dysfunctional to the present-day plans with his thrash metal band, Megadeth. His wife and kids (Pam, Justis, and Electra) make appearances, as do his oncologist, Dr. Anthony Cmelak, and members of the Megadeth family, like drummer Dirk Verbeuren and producer/engineer Chris Rakestraw. So does Reggie Almeida, the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu expert Mustaine trains under. The audiobook is particularly strong because we hear directly from these friends and family members.
Initial Shock
From the initial shock of diagnosis, dropped on him with zero finesse or warning, Mustaine maintained a fairly optimistic attitude, at least as much as is possible when faced with “the big C.” Insensitive treatment from a doctor rang true. Fortunately for both of us, though, our primary caregivers were kind and compassionate. I’ve had plenty of time to think about how bad shit happens to all of us, and I was nodding my head in agreement when Mustaine declares, “In case you didn’t know, cancer is one ruthless and egalitarian motherfucker.” He’s Dave Mustaine; he swears on occasion.
Megadeth
For those who aren’t familiar with Dave Mustaine or Megadeth, you get enough of his history to get you up to speed. Even if you don’t know who he is, there’s a good chance you know the name Metallica, a band he was in and then subsequently kicked out of for being a violent drunk, In In My Darkest Hour he talks quite extensively about his drug and alcohol abuse, and the role revenge for getting kicked out of Metallica played in his desire to make Megadeth successful. He speaks about the band with obvious pride. As he says, fans span generations. Another point which had me nodding in agreement was when he mentioned the Rolling Stones and how, in his opinion, part of the reason they haven’t become popular with younger generations is because “you need a healthy 401k just to afford a ticket.” Anyone who’s tried to see certain bands recently, especially in the United States, knows what he’s talking about.
Able to Sing
Being a singer, Mustaine had a lot on the line in terms of the treatment protocol for his squamous cell carcinoma. This was another thing that brought up stressful memories. I’m not a professional singer but I do teach and so being able to speak is kind of critical. Spoiler: he’s able to sing (and I’m able to talk). Yes, he’s had other side effects, but now, almost seven years from clear scans he received back in October 2019, things look good.
The beauty of cancer…is that it attaches itself to your soul.
Painkillers
One area where our experiences diverge significantly is that I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. The fact that Mustaine went through rehab many, many times, and had the specter of narcotics abuse hanging over his head, turned into an additional stressor in terms of his treatment protocol. This is something I honestly would not have thought about if he hadn’t brought it up: the potential danger in giving narcotics to a cancer patient who is also a former addict. In particular, his family members recount how difficult it was to think that Mustaine would need some heavy-duty painkillers to get through the chemo and radiation. In the end, he enlisted close friend and guitar tech, Bryan Jones, to mete out pills on a rigorous schedule. Along with family members, we hear from Jones about this time period.
Music and Creativity
We also get insight into the music and creativity, something I always enjoy. It blows my mind that Mustaine is a self-taught guitarist. He also can’t read music, which I think is fairly common in the music business, but hearing him talk about how he listened to songs over and over again until he learned where the notes were on the guitar is so impressive. Luckily for fans, there’s still at least one more album in the works (Mustaine claims it will be the last), and you can try to see Megadeth before they hang it up in the next couple of years. We already have our tickets for the show in Milan next spring.
Dogs of Chernobyl
As I said up above, In My Darkest Hour, while a difficult read at the outset, is ultimately uplifting. For all the negatives that come with a cancer diagnosis, there can be positives. Even if you can’t find any while you’re in the moment, you most likely will if you’re lucky enough to be able to see it in your rearview mirror. The effects, mental and physical, are lasting. As Dave Mustaine says in one of the most memorable quotes, “The beauty of cancer…is that it attaches itself to your soul.” This will be a memoir I return to.
Megadeth’s album The Sick, The Dying…and Dead! grew out Dave Mustaine’s experiences during this time period. True, it’s about the effects of radiation, but it rocks!
Do you know who Dave Mustaine and Megadeth are? Are you a fan? Even if you don’t care for the music, do you think you’d read the memoir? Let me know in the comments below.
Pulling at Threads is my occasional newsletter. It always accompanies my blog posts. If you want more of an “insider’s” view on what’s happening in my reading and writing life (or just to get notified of the latest post), you can sign up here.