Sometimes You’re the Hammer

Sometimes You’re the Hammer

Have you heard that expression? You know, the one that starts “Sometimes you’re the hammer….” Ah, well, if you haven’t, think about it and maybe something will come to you. The last couple of months brought that saying front and center for me, with a series of events that have left me feeling churned like I went through some Class V rapids without a raft, let alone a life vest. I’ll come back to that in a minute.

Sideswiped by Shit Going Sideways

Friends who have known me for a long time, and even some of those who I’ve known for less time will have heard me expound my theory of being sideswiped by shit going sideways. I haven’t given this idea a formal name, but since it seems to be more or less axiomatic, maybe I should. You know, something catchy like Sideswiped by Shit going Sideways (“SSS,” for short). It’s pretty easy to sum it up. Basically, think about whatever it is that you have on your plate, the things you know you have to think about. Or that you feel like you should think about. Add in the things that you feel warrant some real estate in your brain for worry (depending on your personality, this could be a lot or a little real estate, but I bet there’s at least some in there). It doesn’t matter what those things are. I mean it really doesn’t matter what those things are. Why? Because without fail the shit that goes sideways will 99% of the time be shit that sideswipes you. As in, it was exactly none of the things that you were determined to worry about.

A Mind so Crowded

Back in my twenties, I spent sooooo much time and energy worrying about things that really didn’t matter. So much! I marvel now at how it’s even possible to have my mind so crowded with things that simply couldn’t have mattered one way or the other in the grand scheme of my life. But, hey, live and learn. I was always good at appreciating things, felt a lot of gratitude and did my damnedest to make the most of every day. So this is why getting sideswiped in 2005, with cervical cancer, felt so unfair. Learning how to live every day of my life didn’t feel like a lesson I needed to learn. Of course, cancer hits people regardless of how great (or badly) they’re living their lives, so the fact that I thought I was doing a good job at it is, in reality, kind of irrelevant. But still.

I got through that, and, honestly, was happy to have a hysterectomy since cervical cancer just completed the trifecta of uterine miseries I had put up with since I had first gotten my period. I had been on the pill since I was 17 and it often didn’t help with any of those woes, which included endometriosis and fibroids, capped off with the icing on the pear-shaped cake (look it up, that’s what it often looks like), the cervical cancer. But I was lucky. I had the total hysterectomy, no radiation, no chemo, and I was good to go. And, hallelujah! No more periods! It was a relief, all the way around. Goodbye to an unwanted guest.

Threw Me for a Loop

Years go by, as they do. I’ve always taken care of my health. Eat right, exercise, blah, blah, blah. Regular check-ups? Sure! Bloodwork? You bet. I even did a colonoscopy early due to family history of colon cancer. And yet, true to form, my self-proclaimed axiom struck again. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and here I am, back in the driver’s seat, getting sideswiped. I, of all people, should not have been surprised by this. After all, I’ve been blathering on about being sideswiped for so long. But it happened again and this time it really threw me for a loop (not that cervical cancer didn’t but, come on, I had had a lot of strange Pap smears, so it wasn’t a total surprise).

So now, here I sit, twelve days out from having had a complete thyroidectomy including removal of a bunch of lymph nodes. That sideswiped feeling has subsided but the first few days after the diagnosis were rough (but a fitting insult to the injury of a biopsy, which included them taking samples from three different places, which in turn led to pain for the more than seven weeks from the time of the biopsy to when I had the surgery). I’m saying this facetiously because I appreciate that I was able to get a biopsy and discover what was going on, even though it turned out to be bad news. But, seriously, thyroid cancer is not something that had ever been on my radar (and, no, I had no history of thyroid issues, which added to the shock).

Two Times Lucky

The worst part of all of this, and it took me a while to pin this down, is that this is now the second time I’ve had cancer. And that’s depressing. How do you deal with it? How do you feel like you go about your daily life, a smile on your face, and then turn around and find out ha ha! The joke was on you, because underneath it all there was the shark lurking there while you were commenting on what a beautiful day it was. I know there are many, many people who live with terminal illnesses every day, and I tip the biggest hat known to humankind to them for their bravery. But is it what awaits me? Is it a given? No, of course not. But let’s just say that the chances of my getting sideswiped, at least by something like cancer, have diminished greatly. After all, how could I honestly react with surprise if it comes around again? I can’t decide if this is good, bad, or indifferent right now. But I think I’ll go with “two times lucky” and be grateful for the fact that I’m being treated.

Lemons-to-Lemonade Kind of Person

I’m an optimist at heart, and after I was down for several days about all of this, the worst of it passed. Then the limbo time came, which was mostly taken up with various doctors’ appointments to be ready to roll for the surgery. The worst news, for me, other than the diagnosis, was that I won’t be able to spend my summer in Santa Fe with my parents like I usually do. But I’m a lemons-to-lemonade kind of person so I’m going to make the best of it. For example, the last week of the Giro d’Italia just finished on Sunday. I haven’t had a chance to watch this event live in literally years. And I watched all of that last week! It took me back to the days when I was glued to the TV in Los Angeles (yikes, by now it was DECADES ago), watching first it, then the Tour de France (and then the Vuelta de España, if I was lucky) for hours and hours. And hours. And it was fun! Never mind that I still can’t turn my head very well and I have swelling that makes me feel like I have a permanent neck collar around my neck. It was still fun.

And there are other things I’m hoping to do, too. One of the “downsides” of being away from Torino in the summertime is that I’ve never been here when the Tour de France is going on. This time, not only will I be here (get the bowl of popcorn ready) but Le Tour actually has one stage finishing here in Torino this year, for the first time since 1966! And I plan to be at the finish line, one way or another.

Lots of Reading

Taking it easy is, well, easy, especially when you’re a big reader like me. So I’m taking full advantage of the down time and enjoying as much reading as possible. Aside from wrapping up N.K. Jemisin’s The Broken Earth Trilogy with Doorstoppers over on Fable, I’ve been reading a lot of other interesting things. Just for fun I picked up Marcia Clark’s Guilt by Association, the book introducing her L.A. District Attorney character, Rachel Knight. For those of you who don’t know, before she became a writer, Clark was herself a prosecutor in the L.A. District Attorney’s office, known for being part of the team that was in charge of (unsuccessfully) prosecuting O.J. Simpson in the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

You could probably travel around the globe multiple times on a paper carpet made out of all that’s been written about the crime, the case, the people involved, and all their connections, so I won’t add too much to it here. I’ll just say that I used to live not too far from where it took place (don’t bother trying to find it, the house was torn down) and used to ride my bike past Mezzaluna (also gone, although the property is still there), the restaurant where Goldman worked and where Nicole ate dinner the night they were murdered. It was all such a strange time period in Los Angeles, with so, so, so many things going on. It’s kind of hard to believe looking back on it (here’s a link to a reporter who also lived through this time and her perspective).

I was a little bit skeptical about Clark’s book. However, I’m only about a quarter of the way through, but I like it! It’s a fast read and a good counterpoint to some of the other things I’ve been reading lately. Yeah, I know. Her name is bigger than the title of the book. Get over it. I always like reading books and watching movies/TV shows set in L.A., and this has been a fun break. Summer noir is always great.

Gratitude

Lots of gratitude and a big THANK YOU to the medical professionals at the endocrinology clinic (thyroid surgery) at the Mauriziano Hospital here in Torino. Thanks to me and my “perfect anatomy” (my surgeon’s words, not mine) and the surgical/anesthesiology team, I had my voice from the moment I woke up in the recovery room. In particular, I’d like to send a shout out to Gabriella. I feel lucky you were assigned to me as my nurse. Heartfelt thanks!

So About that Hammer…

So about that hammer…. Did you come up with an ending to that sentence? Maybe there’s one particular one that popped into your mind. At first, I felt it, I really did. But now…you know how my sentence ends? Like this: Sometimes you’re the hammer. Period.

---

Pulling at Threads is my occasional newsletter. It always accompanies my blog posts but I sometimes send infrequent updates on other goings on. If you want more of an “insider’s” view on what’s happening in my reading and writing life, you can sign up here.